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Getting Off On Computer-Generated Heat
Tuesday, May 1, 2012 - 11:11am
Carolyn Evans - Forty Beads
Carolyn Evans, M.S.W., is the fearless author of Forty Beads, The Simple, Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage (Running Press, 2011) and creator of The Forty Beads Method, a method she developed quite by accident that is steadily bettering the marriages of couples who try it.

Dear Carolyn,


I have a question about "emotional affairs" and specifically want to know if I'm involved in one. I reconnected with my old college boyfriend over Facebook a couple of years ago. It started off innocent enough—just catching each other up on our lives in the last dozen or so years, but I found that all those feelings I used to have for him started popping up when we started reminiscing about the "good old times." They really were good times—the best. Alright, so now we email a lot. We just get each other and I guess we always have. But now I'm wondering if I'm wandering into sketchy territory. I find myself plopping my toddler into her crib too early for her nap so I can get to my computer and see if he's written. I would NEVER cheat on my husband, but am I having an "emotional affair"? I'm hoping you'll say no, that I'm all good. But whatever you tell me, I know you'll be honest.






Hey Emma,


Darling, you know exactly what an emotional affair is! It's when someone pours all their sweet, emotional honey into somebody else's pot--outside the marriage. And just like honey on a hot day, it can get sticky real fast--and messy. It's fun to reconnect with old friends—even old flames. It can feel a little like time travel since they remind us of our old super cool selves before kids and mortgages. But be careful. Don't fall down that oh-so predictable cyber worm hole, forsaking all the good that's right in front of you for a little far away, computer-generated heat. Stop fantasizing that your old BF has what it takes to make you happy now. Make your own self happy. Start consciously and intentionally connecting emotionally (and of course, physically!) with your husband. See if you can't pull back and redirect all that sexy energy and use it for good. I'm thinking you'll be super-glad you did. 




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