Faking the Big O

So, have you ever faked it? Has the big O ever become the big Oh No Way?

When we say, “hurry, oh God, faster,” are we writhing in ecstasy or are we really just asking for an end to the long ride?

We’ve all seen that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Sally demonstrates just how easy it is to fake an orgasm, but how many of us really do so, and why?

According to a 2014 study cited in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (yes, there really is such a thing), many women do fake, and they do it for four reasons:

—concern for their partner’s feelings

—fear and insecurity

—trying to fake it until they make it (they’re hoping the louder the screams, the more they’ll feel)

—wanting to hurry the sex along

I took my own unscientific survey among my advisory board of SYWM (Smart Young Women and Men).

Several laughed and said that they had never faked it, never would. But they were in the minority.

One young mother of two says she fakes it. “I would say it's 50/50. Sometimes, you just aren't into it but your partner is. Give them what they're looking for, in my view,” she told me.  

And, lest you think faking is a female thing, at least two men in my unscientific survey admitted to faking, an even easier feat with a condom.

Says M, a guy in his 30s, “In at least one case I can remember, I realized I had made a mistake, but couldn't bring myself to say so. I just wanted to get it  ‘over with’ quickly, without any hurt feelings. Is that awful?”

For E., a young musician, faking is common but anti-feminist.

“I've done that [faked it] with everyone I've ever dated (of course not all the time, but on occasion when I'm chafing or distracted),” E said. “I recently went to a girl dinner and everyone was like, ‘yeah I hardly ever cum.’ And I was like, WHAT?! [It’s] the whole idea of being uncomfortable with taking too long when guys are pretty unapologetic about any aspect of their orgasm.”

And for a young professional in her 30s, it’s about maturity.

“I'll admit that I did when I was in college and never admitted it to the guy,” R. told me. “I think when you're older and/or with someone that you're serious about that you're less likely to do this because, why cheat yourself?!”

Oddly, though, there is a line of thinking that says you only fake with those you care about.

“Sure, I’ve faked it, but it was only with someone who I cared about,” said J., a local creative. “If you’re faking an orgasm with a partner, you most likely care about their feelings, but for whatever reason it's just not happening for you. It's not something that made me feel good inside or anything, and eventually I realized I could just communicate with my partner. But at the beginning of what may become an important relationship, it feels really scary to say, ‘Hey, this just isn't working right now.' "

She adds, “If you're faking an orgasm with a one-night stand, you need to evaluate that way more. Because that should be about your pleasure and not worrying what a casual hookup thinks.”

Getting back to the scientific study, apparently one of the roots of faking is to give goal-oriented men what they want.

We have trained men to hold off until they give women an orgasm and they take a perverse pride in marathon sessions under the sheets. But, for many women, the point is the union, not the explosion.

So, for some, when it comes to "was it good for you,” it’s “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

I'm curious: have you faked it?