It’s May and Charleston seems to be full of bridal parties and bachelor gatherings.
It’s only natural that your thoughts may turn to love, or at least to whether you’ll ever find “the One.”
Well, according to at least one guy, there is no “the One.”
The guy who started the “It Gets Better Project,” Dan Savage, also has some strong feelings about finding your one and only. “The One” is a lie, he says.
First of all, we seldom show our true, messy, embarrassing selves when we meet a potential mate. The fancy face we show is what Savage calls the “lie self.” You might also call it the Instagram Self.
Eventually, your real self breaks through, and that’s when your potential mate either puts up or bolts. If he or she puts up and lives with your gross self, that’s what Savage calls paying the price of admission.
“You can’t have a long-term relationship with someone unless you’re willing to identify the prices of admission you’re willing to pay — and the ones you’re not. But the ones you’re not — the list of things you’re not willing to put up with — you really have to be able to count [them] on one hand…,” he says.
But, Savage also notes that the cool thing about your “lie self” is that your lover gets to be in on the lie eventually.
“…I pretend every day that my boyfriend is the lie that I met when I first met him. And he does that same favor to me — he pretends that I’m that better person than I actually am. Even though he knows I’m not. Even though I know he’s not,” Savage says. “And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are — we are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it’s expected of us by each other.”
He adds, “And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie-self come true — if you’re smart, and you demand it of them, and you’re willing to give it to them… That’s the only way you become “the One” — it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are.”
So maybe next time you look with envy at those bride-to-be parties, think about whether you’ve made your own price of admission a little too steep. And get ready to live the lie.
You can find Dan Savage’s book here