Bourbon Tastin' and Player Hatin' - Southern Charm 3, Episode 6 Recap

Bourbon Tastin' and Player Hatin' - Southern Charm 3, Episode 6 Recap

So good to the last drop!

Hola amigos! Welcome back to another riveting recap of the one show that continues to restore our faith in humanity: Southern Charm! Last week’s episode saw Panic at the Disco in the form of an all-dry, boring-ass skate party, where even when she isn’t physically present Kathryn Dennis dominates everyone’s minds. Damn that’s some serious mind-controlling skills. You go Kathryn!

By college women and pubescent boys’ demands, The Charmers start their days in curse-tacular form, as only expletives can describe the anxiety of Whitney doing manual labor. Props to Shep’s partial-frontal.

We then see Craig and Naomie’s new home, where in the midst of chaos reminiscent of #OldCraig, the lovebirds wake to perfect makeup and hair bliss. Craig tells us that since he and Naomie are in love, he is not letting her go, so a 3K promise ring it is! Under the guise of determining which watch Craig should wear, which amazes me that Craig owns so many Mattel watches that this makes sense to Naomie, Craig gives Naomie her promise ring. He knows all the smooth rom-com moves apparently, including cutesy talk and promises of marriage.

After recomposing myself, I have to admit I want Craig, or maybe I just want the ring. I will get back to you, since I may still be on TeamWhitney, #lol. Love how kissy-wissy with Naomie is ok for being late to work. Definitely got priorities there #newCraig.

Remember this for later, because Craig tells Naomie he thinks JD will make him head of bourbon operations. Is this code for law? Nah, it’s alcohol fo’ real. According to Craig, if you work hard good things happen. Also if you’re hot and on reality TV, you can screw up and come back. Just sayin’ Bravo I'm waiting to join the show. #notjealous #lol

Cameran is at her and Shep’s first real estate listing. It’s 1 p.m., and guess what Shep’s doing:

A) already there and rearing to go

B) almost there and sorry

or C) already sold the place?

Nope it’s D) still at home and making breakfast.

Hey it IS the most important meal of any day, even if the day starts at 1 p.m. Cameran confirms that post-Panic at the Disco, Shep’s crew went “bowling” at the Alley, i.e. partied like it's 1999 with alcohol. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. Mine are still down.

Shep has no idea what happened with Kathryn and the invite, and wants to stay out of it. Hahaha not while Bravo’s in your life bud, read the contract. He is upset with Cameran that she refused Kathryn’s attempts at friendships because he wants everyone to be happy. Again, Shep you gotta read these TV contracts dude. Come on, I know you know lawyers; no excuse. He gives the quote of the night when telling women to do the right thing “as I tell girls, it’s easier to say yes than no.” Like there’s ever a need to persuade.

Kathryn’s feeling discouraged because the crew onlys talks to her thanks to Bravo, so she does the unthinkable: call Elizabeth to make amends. You know what yall? I think it’s #newKathryn time; she realizes she acted stupid at the polo match, but thinks maybe JD being Thomas’ BFF doesn’t mean she can’t befriend Elizabeth.

Shep loves being Cam’s sidekick, but you gotta question his passion when he doesn’t know why the ceiling’s blue. I learned that in the first grade: it looks like Heaven therefore keeping evil spirits away. But hey, Shep looks cute or something, so maybe the guy who owns the home can be Shepified still.

I mean you gotta know your stuff Shep, it’s work. Nope, he’s thinking it’s easy since he will likely find a woman buyer to woo into the house, using himself as bait. Oh I’m sorry ma’am the Shep model of the house costs way, way more than you thought.

Here we go, the moment we all want: the clash between Shepard and Cameran. I love how Shep just takes that damn notepad from Cameran and makes it a mens' meeting. And who doesn’t love an assistant who overrides the boss with what pricing should be? This is going to be real estate partnership heaven folks.

Landon is packing for a New York trip and calls her dad to check in. She’s got someone interested in her “art-travel-wine-stuff-me” magazine and is going to pitch it. Dad is smart and realizes this trip will be 99% shopping and 1% work. You go Dad!

Craig updates JD on the hotel work, but he really thinks doing hotel work only sucks; he wants some sweet, sweet bourbon action. Like Veruca Salt I-want-it-now action. JD wants a tasting with the crew, but Craig wants to down all that bourbon himself, which JD wisely rejects. The look on Craig’s face when he’s given his first bourbon assignment eerily reminds me of when kids hear they’re going to Chuck E. Cheese; slow down there bud!

Dani is being brought on as a consultant... JD obviously wants her as a partner and Craig as a Bourbon SparkNotes to get him to her level immediately.

I remain perplexed at the Gentry position Craig has. He signed a $15,000 check to be a partner, and he’s working the rest of the time to be considered a partner, but to JD he’s an employee? 

Kathryn goes to JD/Elizabeth’s house, and we’re rewarded with the night's second-best quote from the kids: “how do you put the baby in there?” Oh, boy, you really wanna know? OK, so sometimes mommy and daddy hate each other and get drunk...

You know what, we’ll talk about this later, when you’re 40.

Then the most delightful conversation between these ladies... Elizabeth is so confused what was going on, and #NewKathryn is honest: she cut people off out of fear, and Elizabeth reminds Kathryn that she will keep her word made at Kensie’s christening to always be there, and she starts crying, and Kathryn starts crying, and my ovaries begin to wonder when it will be time for my T-Rav baby too. Oh wait, my bad. I hate that people have to cry for Kathryn to feel they’re genuine. 

Shep goes to T-Rav’s house and tells us T-Rav’s like a box of chocolates because you don’t what you will get. Sometimes he loves you, and sometimes he wants to kick your ass. That’s sexy. And bipolar. I love how Shep opens the chips and then asks for them. But Shep you let me educate you in politics instead of T-Rav ok? FDR met Stalin and Kruschev, Kennedy. The former was in during WW2, the latter the Cold War. It’s ok, break my heart.

T-Rav gets down to business: he’s upset that Kathryn wasn’t invited to Panic at the Disco. But Shep has no idea what happened. I personally don’t like watching Dr. T-Rav, medicine man, with his description of Kathryn’s body and the baby’s formation. Shep is forgiven by me with an appropriate Kissinger reference. Is he reading a current book on 1960s/1970s American foreign policy I don’t know of? The quickest way to my heart is by sweet, gentle, soft, sexy detente. Shep will do right by T-Rav and not play “Junior High” with Kathryn’s emotions.

Landon is wearing an amazing dress to pitch herself to Vox Media. She has initially found a niche within their world, travel, but her pitch immediately reveals she has way too many layers within the onion of her idea. When asked to explain it to the interviewer like he’s 5 years old, Landon folds like a cheap suit. It’s not a bad idea of hers, it just needs direction. Don’t give up Landon; this version of you is more appealing than Kathryn-bashing, which I get is now a natural way of life.

Whitney makes a cameo meeting Cameran for lunch, and they're joined by Shep. Shep reminds them to attend the bourbon event, and I want to know how in the hell Craig went from law to whiskey. Cameran is so damn smart and reads my mind via TV: she and I think that bourbon is a sneaky, new-money way to reintroduce #OldCraig.

And now, for the ultimate reason I can now no longer look at Shep without smiling: Shep is inviting everyone to his family’s mountain home. It's in my favorite place to visit as a child, Linville, NC! Tweetsie Railroad, whoot whoot! I instantly want to bitch-slap Cameran and Whitney for not being down for the Mile-High Bridge.

They get pissed because Kathryn is being invited by Shep. He’s trying to experiment with her to see if she can be nice to people. He wants to be nice to everyone, but no one can please everyone. The answer is simple: invite everyone and let chips fall where they may.

Finally the bourbon tasting; I don’t know about y’all but I forgot this happened, which sucks since it’s the episode’s title. Gentry bourbon’s concept is simple and classy: JD honors his grandfather’s love of whiskey with bourbon bearing his name. I wish people remembered me by getting drunk. Craig slowly digs at JD; seriously who even jokes about not liking the owner’s idea?!

Then the tension grows. Craig is all like bra, how come you don’t trust me to tell me that we’re gonna have 10,000 cases of this junk by year TWO?! And JD tells us that Craig’s job is to basically shut up and be a gopher. Damn, perhaps that Nigerian prince scam analogy I heard earlier is not too far off actually. The boys and girls come in, and Craig starts talking to Shep about bourbon like he’s the boss. Gotta give it to #NewShep: he at least waits until his talking head to make fun of #BourbonCraig’s desire to be #OldCraig in fancy clothes.

I think of at least two comments now per episode that feel terribly wrong; Cameran’s analogy of the four bourbon categories including heat representing how you pick out a woman is one of them. The tasting begins and #BourbonCraig tries to SparkNotes the crap out of Dani during the explanation. Dani is gonna be a great mama yall because she shuts him the hell up in a nice way only stellar Southern women do.

JD breaks up the group for intimate conversations, and #BourbonCraig feels like crap because Dani, who has 15 years in the liquor industry, gets asked by JD to lead their group instead of new partner #BourbonCraig who knows every bartender in Charleston. Wrong values JD!

After elegantly gagging on his sip Whitney asks Craig what bourbon is made of. OK Craig, here’s what you do in these times: go to the potty, pull out sassy Siri, and bullshit that answer with confidence. Instead. He’s like I don’t know bra. He then asks Dani on how to be confident to get in the business. Dani’s like dude, this is a serious ass business just cause you like getting drunk, that isn't gonna cut it.

Craig tells us that he knows Dani is better than him, but he’s smart. So smart to get fired on national TV. Sorry bud, I love ya, but that’s gonna be talked about for a while longer.

How can Craig give Shep free bourbon?! OMG it’s #NewShep! Instead of emotionally beating the shit out of Craig, he offers him advice and encouragement. Meanwhile, the ULTIMATE betrayal: JD wants Dani to manage bourbon, not #BourbonCraig.

Finally the conversation between these three bourbon afficionados. JD tells Craig some truth: this is a new venture, with the actual family name on it, and he wants experience behind it. Nothing personal, ok? You are an assistant partner, or maybe just in the hotel partnership.

At the end of it all, Craig and JD say in front of Naomie how he needs to get it together, and Naomie is upset that Craig is not running the bourbon branch. I can’t tell why really? Is she just sad her man isn’t CEO yet, or does she feel that #NewCraig who isn’t #BourbonCraig is actually a #loserCraig?

Come back next week everyone, when the cast rips my soul apart piece by masterful piece with their desecration of a city I hold dear, Linville, NC.